So, I made it. I am officially a P4 (assuming I don't get a phone call next week from the AR State Board of Pharmacy saying I failed my law exam). I don't mean to sound negative, but that exam was more difficult than I expected. Oh well, what's done is done and I can't go back, only forward. I can't say that much has happened in the year since I last posted a blog. I've not done much of anything that could be considered "exciting". My life has been a mixture of sleep (when I could get it), eating (when I remembered), going to class, and studying. Oh the studying... and the exams. I would be lying if I said I would miss the exams. I WILL miss the people, though. We are all going our separate ways for our rotations in our final year. Yes, I will see some of my classmates from time to time, but it will never be the same. I'm secretly glad, and sad at the same time. It's just another hurdle before the next phase of our lives, so I guess it's a point for celebration.
The past 3 years in Pharmacy school have been unlike any in my life. Never have I been on such a roller coaster of emotion. Up and down, day after day. "Ace" one exam; fail the next. But isn't this what it's all about? Teaching us that it's ok to fail at something as long as we learn from it? Because, at some point, we have all "failed" at something. Ok, so maybe it's not the typical "you made an F on an exam" for everyone (yes, I've been there more than once), but at some point we've all fallen short of our own expectations, and that can be much worse than any "F". I don't know of any person in my group of friends who have not, at least once, questioned why they were in school. Why did we choose this profession? Yes, the promise of the money in the end is one thing, but is it enough? No. We all use the general "I want to help people", but do any of us really believe that? I'm not sure... I said that, and thought I meant it. But until this past year, I don't think I really believed it. I honestly think that I was going through the curriculum just because I knew I could make it (even though I kept trying to convince myself that it was too hard, that I couldn't do it anymore, yada, yada, yada). Better yet, I knew that I was going through this rigor because this was the door that God had opened up for me. And blindly believing that if He opens a door, He will make a way for me to get through it. Not that it would be easy, but I would come through all of the trials, the stress, long nights, lack of sleep, all of it a better person.
I say I didn't really believe that I wanted to help people until this past year, and that is one of the truest statements I think I've ever made. I felt like giving up so many times. I've been so tired of the up-and-down emotions that I can't seem to get away from (and that's another post in and of itself). And kept asking "Why????" And then I started volunteering at a free clinic in North Little Rock with one of the ladies I work with at Poison Control. Seeing the patients who have so little, who live in such poverty, and who are so grateful for the smallest help they receive opened my eyes. We are all called to reach out to those around us. We are called to take care of those who have less than us, who are hurting, and who have noone else. Until now, I didn't understand why I was put in this place for this season of my life. Now I understand. These are the people I can reach out to. These are the people I can embrace and do everything within my power to help. Forget putting me in a busy retail store with customers yelling because it takes longer than 15 minutes to fill a prescription when there are a dozen customers waiting as well. I will gladly take a "3rd world country"-style clinic, where the technology isn't the newest and best, where medications might be hard to come by, where everyone is volunteering and almost always has a smile, and the patients are ok with having to wait a little bit longer to get the medicines they need. This is why I am here.
So in all of the rambling, there is but one conclusion. As this, my 3rd year in pharmacy school, comes to a close, I have finally discovered my purpose for being in this profession. It is right on track with that wonderful cliche, "I want to help people". A few years ago, while at Youth Camp in Houston, someone spoke words to me that I thought I understood at the time to mean one thing, but it has come to my realization that I was totally wrong. To paraphrase, "You have a great love of people. God is going to show you how to love in a totally new, radical way". This is my new, radical way of loving... If this is where He's brought me, I must see it through and walk with Him through to it's completion. Oh yes, I have a choice, but this is what I choose. Otherwise, what was the point?
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