Why is it that I only write on this thing like once a year? It's quite shameful if you ask me, so I thought I would type up something that I wrote in my journal a few days ago... Assuming anyone actually reads this, you might be happy to see that I'm actually posting something!
Time. Ever present, yet ever gone. Every minute flying by faster than the one before. Or so it seems. Four years ago I was contemplating graduation at Ozarks and pharmacy school interviews, and today I am facing my upcoming graduation yet again. Four years ago I lost my dad. Where has the time gone? You know, they say that time changes people. I think this is true. I'm not the person I was 8 years ago when I first left home. Heck, I'm not the same person I was even 1 year ago. So many changes - some good, some bad - but all part of the process of making me who I am. And I don't regret any of it. Yes, there are some changes that I would like to make (and un-do) as time continues its never-ending trek onward, but I can never regret the changes of the past. To regret them would be to regret myself. And I just can't do that. And worse, I would be regretting God - a thing which can NEVER be done. But time will continue on... and so shall I. And to be honest, I'm really quite excited to see what new changes it will bring.
Goals. What, exactly, does this mean? What, exactly, are "goals"? Everyone talks about this goal or that goal (especially at this time of year), and I understand the concept of having something to work for and toward, but what are goals? Most of the time they encompass our own desires and wishes - our plan. I can't say that I don't have goals. I would be lying if I did. Graduation, residency, career, family... these are all "goals" (or desires). But when we set these goals, do we really stop and think about the fact that it's really not about us (me)? Our plans don't really amount to much, except maybe for comedic purposes as God sits back and laughs at our pathetic attempts at making a "wonderful" life ('cause we all love to be "in control") while He knows exactly what He has in store for us (because He is really the One in control) - a life that is so far beyond anything we could ever cook up for ourselves. Okay, so maybe he doesn't sit back and laugh (except at me because I really do like to try to control things that are not even remotely in my control)... but you get the picture. I am one of the worst at getting angry when things don't work as I plan. And most times I don't stop to remember Jeremiah 29:11 and thank God for making things turn out differently. Perhaps the only goal I should really have should be to remember that God has bigger and better things for me than even I can imagine. So my new goal - let God lead me in His plan and stop deluding myself. I mean, I know He sets desires in our hearts to keep us going in the direction He would have us go, so my "goals" (desires) are not void, but on a deeper level I need to remember that it's not all about me; rather, it is about God. Always has been and always will be. The question now is: Do my goals line up with God's? How do I reconcile the two? But perhaps this is better left for later, to be answered after some good soul searching.
Love. Ah, the ever-elusive, always-sought-after emotion. That's what it is, isn't it? An emotion? Something you feel? Something that makes your heart beat a little faster, your palms sweaty? Not at all. Well, yes, these are some physiological manifestations that we, as humans, experience when we are in "romantic" love (or, dare I say, "lust" for many of us) thanks to our brains and all of the little chemicals stored up in them. But really, what is love? Many of us spend our lives searching for "love" and yet never truly know what it means (the true meaning, not the physical feelings). I sure don't know a good, solid definition of love. But I do know that it is more selfless than I am. Love is patient, kind, not proud or jealous, and easily forgets wrongs (paraphrased from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I don't know about anyone else, but I surely am not the embodiment of love if we stop here. But we read on: Love always protects, trusts, hopes, and never gives up. Now these are things that I am a little more familiar with. But regardless of the definition, why do we spend so much time and effort trying to find that which we already have? It's sitting right there waiting for us to take hold of it and embrace true love for all it's worth. What greater love could be found than the love Christ showed as he laid down his life for you and I? I'm guilty of forgetting this so often. I allow loneliness to grab hold of me and find myself wondering if I'll ever be loved. Forget that I have a family and friends who love me... I want a man! (I know all the single ladies will agree with me) But for what?? So that he can try to fill a void in my life that is too big for him to even begin to fill? Isn't this what most of us are looking for? Maybe I've become too cynical, or maybe realistic... but there will never be a man good enough to fulfill every need for me. And that's the way it should be, if you ask me. God is enough. Only He can satisfy my every need.
So why is it so hard to remember this? Why is it so easy for the loneliness to creep in and take over?
Relationships. They come in all different forms. Those we have with friends and family. Others with acquaintances. Each one is unique. Each one comes with its own mask (for a later discussion), its own part/role to play. I'm a daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, friends, roommate, student, woman. Every role is different even though they do overlap. It looks different, sounds different. But one thing is the same in every relationship - I am imperfect. I'm not always going to be the perfect family member. In fact, 9 times out of 10 I will probably be the pain in the backside that everyone tolerates because it's what families do. I'm not always going to be the best friend. And that's OK. It's hard to say that, being the perfectionist and people-pleaser that I am. But really, it's ok. I am me. Just like the other parties in my relationships will not be perfect. Sure, my expectations for perfection are absolutely outrageous and unrealistic. And as such, are always going to cause me to be somewhat disappointed no matter the circumstance (mostly in myself, somewhat in the other person)... but this is just part of who I am. I am moody, exhausted, and stressed most of the time, hyper sometimes, and a perfectionist all of the time but I am fiercely loyal and caring and that's enough. Well, I assume it is, anyway, since my friends still stick around.... Hahahahaha!
I guess the point to all of my rambling is just that I am who God made me to be, for the most part. And I am striving daily to become more and more the woman that He wants me to be. But I need to remember that it's not about me. God's plans are so much better than mine could ever be. And He knows exactly what He's doing when he places new people and keeps "old" people (no, I'm not talking about age) in my life. It's all one giant circle, really. Everything working together toward one united purpose - to bring God the glory and to shine a light into the world for His Kingdom. That's really all it's about - furthering the Kingdom so that one day when we're all together in Paradise it will be a huge party... Hey, a girl's gotta hope that someday there will be a time to stop and rock out!
