So it's been a year since I was in Ecuador (and since I blogged anything). What can I say? I'm a busy girl... Anyway, life is crazy and hectic as always. Part of me longs to be back in Ecuador, where things were more relaxed and life was not so fast-paced. As much as I wanted to be back home, when I left there a part of my heart was left behind. The people I met, the beauty around me, all kept a small piece of me with them. Sometimes I catch a scent in a breeze that sends me back. Granted, the scent isn't as pure as it would be in Ecuador, but it's close enough to invoke memories. I think I can almost imagine the clear blue skies in my mind... and then I look at pictures and realize that even my memory can't capture the true essence of that place. And I know that the pictures don't even do it justice. Oh how I wish I could go back there today... but I must wait at least a year for that (assuming I can go in a year).
More than just the random memories that I have, it's as though my soul longs to be surrounded by that beauty again. And I don't mean just the plants, trees, sky, etc. Every person I came into contact with was so beautiful, from the inside out. Never have I met more welcoming, inviting people. It's as though the heart of God was truly shining through every person I met. And that's almost an oddity in today's world. So many people are focused only on themselves (me included) and how they feel that they forget to love. We seem to have a monopoly on loving ourselves... but it stops there. And then I begin to question if our love of self is really true love... meaning, how can you love yourself fully if you don't love God and allow God to love you? And if you can't love God and can't allow Him to love you, how can you love anyone around you? Wouldn't you be flowing over with love, grace, and mercy because God pours all these upon us when we let him? Perhaps it's just that the people in Ecuador weren't as concerned with money and status and wealth that they could see the simplicity in relying on God to provide all that is needed. And in so doing, they have opened themselves up to a more true existence than either you or I could have.
Ok, so I got off on a random tangent there... I tend to do that at times. I guess, on a deeper level, these thoughts have been running through my mind lately. I've been reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and it opens up a lot of thought processes that I've overlooked so many times. I've come to the realization that I'm one of the types of people who don't know how to fully trust and rely on God's provisions. I have to know that I'm secure in whatever aspect... I guess, I am a control freak. This is no surprise to anyone who knows me; and I've known it for quite some time. But I never knew the full extent until I really took a look at my recent actions. Instead of trusting in God to provide financially, I go over my budget a million times, trying to figure out if I can fanagle things. Instead of trusting in God's promises, I worry and fret over things not yet to be. Is this just an instance of the "I'm human" defect? Or is it a deeper problem with a tough solution? I guess the only thing I can do is change my way of thinking and begin trusting that God is the God he says he is, that He'll provide my every need (maybe not all of my wishes, but definitely my needs), and that what He's said will come to pass (after all, God is not a man that He should lie...).
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