Reflections... Or maybe "Ramblings"??

Why is it that I only write on this thing like once a year? It's quite shameful if you ask me, so I thought I would type up something that I wrote in my journal a few days ago... Assuming anyone actually reads this, you might be happy to see that I'm actually posting something!

On this, the 2nd day of the new year, I thought I should stop to write a bit and make some reflections. It has been so long since I've taken the time to just stop and think and write. So many things have happened and yet it all seems as if everything is still the same. Well, almost everything. Thoughts still swirl in my head constantly. Life is still passing by in a blur, ready to make it to some unknown point in the future that no one has seen or known. And decisions still pop up constantly, along with the fear of "what if I've chosen wrong?" So I guess life is, in fact, as it as always been. But this year brings a new twist - graduation - and all of the excitement and uncertainty that goes along with it. Where will I go? What will I become? Or, rather, who? But perhaps I'm jumping a little ahead of myself. Perhaps my time is better spent on exploring the here and now so that I can better determine the future... or at least take a little of the fear and anxiety out of it. So that's what I'll do. Here goes.

Time. Ever present, yet ever gone. Every minute flying by faster than the one before. Or so it seems. Four years ago I was contemplating graduation at Ozarks and pharmacy school interviews, and today I am facing my upcoming graduation yet again. Four years ago I lost my dad. Where has the time gone? You know, they say that time changes people. I think this is true. I'm not the person I was 8 years ago when I first left home. Heck, I'm not the same person I was even 1 year ago. So many changes - some good, some bad - but all part of the process of making me who I am. And I don't regret any of it. Yes, there are some changes that I would like to make (and un-do) as time continues its never-ending trek onward, but I can never regret the changes of the past. To regret them would be to regret myself. And I just can't do that. And worse, I would be regretting God - a thing which can NEVER be done. But time will continue on... and so shall I. And to be honest, I'm really quite excited to see what new changes it will bring.

Goals. What, exactly, does this mean? What, exactly, are "goals"? Everyone talks about this goal or that goal (especially at this time of year), and I understand the concept of having something to work for and toward, but what are goals? Most of the time they encompass our own desires and wishes - our plan. I can't say that I don't have goals. I would be lying if I did. Graduation, residency, career, family... these are all "goals" (or desires). But when we set these goals, do we really stop and think about the fact that it's really not about us (me)? Our plans don't really amount to much, except maybe for comedic purposes as God sits back and laughs at our pathetic attempts at making a "wonderful" life ('cause we all love to be "in control") while He knows exactly what He has in store for us (because He is really the One in control) - a life that is so far beyond anything we could ever cook up for ourselves. Okay, so maybe he doesn't sit back and laugh (except at me because I really do like to try to control things that are not even remotely in my control)... but you get the picture. I am one of the worst at getting angry when things don't work as I plan. And most times I don't stop to remember Jeremiah 29:11 and thank God for making things turn out differently. Perhaps the only goal I should really have should be to remember that God has bigger and better things for me than even I can imagine. So my new goal - let God lead me in His plan and stop deluding myself. I mean, I know He sets desires in our hearts to keep us going in the direction He would have us go, so my "goals" (desires) are not void, but on a deeper level I need to remember that it's not all about me; rather, it is about God. Always has been and always will be. The question now is: Do my goals line up with God's? How do I reconcile the two? But perhaps this is better left for later, to be answered after some good soul searching.

Love. Ah, the ever-elusive, always-sought-after emotion. That's what it is, isn't it? An emotion? Something you feel? Something that makes your heart beat a little faster, your palms sweaty? Not at all. Well, yes, these are some physiological manifestations that we, as humans, experience when we are in "romantic" love (or, dare I say, "lust" for many of us) thanks to our brains and all of the little chemicals stored up in them. But really, what is love? Many of us spend our lives searching for "love" and yet never truly know what it means (the true meaning, not the physical feelings). I sure don't know a good, solid definition of love. But I do know that it is more selfless than I am. Love is patient, kind, not proud or jealous, and easily forgets wrongs (paraphrased from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I don't know about anyone else, but I surely am not the embodiment of love if we stop here. But we read on: Love always protects, trusts, hopes, and never gives up. Now these are things that I am a little more familiar with. But regardless of the definition, why do we spend so much time and effort trying to find that which we already have? It's sitting right there waiting for us to take hold of it and embrace true love for all it's worth. What greater love could be found than the love Christ showed as he laid down his life for you and I? I'm guilty of forgetting this so often. I allow loneliness to grab hold of me and find myself wondering if I'll ever be loved. Forget that I have a family and friends who love me... I want a man! (I know all the single ladies will agree with me) But for what?? So that he can try to fill a void in my life that is too big for him to even begin to fill? Isn't this what most of us are looking for? Maybe I've become too cynical, or maybe realistic... but there will never be a man good enough to fulfill every need for me. And that's the way it should be, if you ask me. God is enough. Only He can satisfy my every need.

So why is it so hard to remember this? Why is it so easy for the loneliness to creep in and take over?

Relationships. They come in all different forms. Those we have with friends and family. Others with acquaintances. Each one is unique. Each one comes with its own mask (for a later discussion), its own part/role to play. I'm a daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, friends, roommate, student, woman. Every role is different even though they do overlap. It looks different, sounds different. But one thing is the same in every relationship - I am imperfect. I'm not always going to be the perfect family member. In fact, 9 times out of 10 I will probably be the pain in the backside that everyone tolerates because it's what families do. I'm not always going to be the best friend. And that's OK. It's hard to say that, being the perfectionist and people-pleaser that I am. But really, it's ok. I am me. Just like the other parties in my relationships will not be perfect. Sure, my expectations for perfection are absolutely outrageous and unrealistic. And as such, are always going to cause me to be somewhat disappointed no matter the circumstance (mostly in myself, somewhat in the other person)... but this is just part of who I am. I am moody, exhausted, and stressed most of the time, hyper sometimes, and a perfectionist all of the time but I am fiercely loyal and caring and that's enough. Well, I assume it is, anyway, since my friends still stick around.... Hahahahaha!

I guess the point to all of my rambling is just that I am who God made me to be, for the most part. And I am striving daily to become more and more the woman that He wants me to be. But I need to remember that it's not about me. God's plans are so much better than mine could ever be. And He knows exactly what He's doing when he places new people and keeps "old" people (no, I'm not talking about age) in my life. It's all one giant circle, really. Everything working together toward one united purpose - to bring God the glory and to shine a light into the world for His Kingdom. That's really all it's about - furthering the Kingdom so that one day when we're all together in Paradise it will be a huge party... Hey, a girl's gotta hope that someday there will be a time to stop and rock out!

Another year comes to a close...

So, I made it. I am officially a P4 (assuming I don't get a phone call next week from the AR State Board of Pharmacy saying I failed my law exam). I don't mean to sound negative, but that exam was more difficult than I expected. Oh well, what's done is done and I can't go back, only forward. I can't say that much has happened in the year since I last posted a blog. I've not done much of anything that could be considered "exciting". My life has been a mixture of sleep (when I could get it), eating (when I remembered), going to class, and studying. Oh the studying... and the exams. I would be lying if I said I would miss the exams. I WILL miss the people, though. We are all going our separate ways for our rotations in our final year. Yes, I will see some of my classmates from time to time, but it will never be the same. I'm secretly glad, and sad at the same time. It's just another hurdle before the next phase of our lives, so I guess it's a point for celebration.

The past 3 years in Pharmacy school have been unlike any in my life. Never have I been on such a roller coaster of emotion. Up and down, day after day. "Ace" one exam; fail the next. But isn't this what it's all about? Teaching us that it's ok to fail at something as long as we learn from it? Because, at some point, we have all "failed" at something. Ok, so maybe it's not the typical "you made an F on an exam" for everyone (yes, I've been there more than once), but at some point we've all fallen short of our own expectations, and that can be much worse than any "F". I don't know of any person in my group of friends who have not, at least once, questioned why they were in school. Why did we choose this profession? Yes, the promise of the money in the end is one thing, but is it enough? No. We all use the general "I want to help people", but do any of us really believe that? I'm not sure... I said that, and thought I meant it. But until this past year, I don't think I really believed it. I honestly think that I was going through the curriculum just because I knew I could make it (even though I kept trying to convince myself that it was too hard, that I couldn't do it anymore, yada, yada, yada). Better yet, I knew that I was going through this rigor because this was the door that God had opened up for me. And blindly believing that if He opens a door, He will make a way for me to get through it. Not that it would be easy, but I would come through all of the trials, the stress, long nights, lack of sleep, all of it a better person.

I say I didn't really believe that I wanted to help people until this past year, and that is one of the truest statements I think I've ever made. I felt like giving up so many times. I've been so tired of the up-and-down emotions that I can't seem to get away from (and that's another post in and of itself). And kept asking "Why????" And then I started volunteering at a free clinic in North Little Rock with one of the ladies I work with at Poison Control. Seeing the patients who have so little, who live in such poverty, and who are so grateful for the smallest help they receive opened my eyes. We are all called to reach out to those around us. We are called to take care of those who have less than us, who are hurting, and who have noone else. Until now, I didn't understand why I was put in this place for this season of my life. Now I understand. These are the people I can reach out to. These are the people I can embrace and do everything within my power to help. Forget putting me in a busy retail store with customers yelling because it takes longer than 15 minutes to fill a prescription when there are a dozen customers waiting as well. I will gladly take a "3rd world country"-style clinic, where the technology isn't the newest and best, where medications might be hard to come by, where everyone is volunteering and almost always has a smile, and the patients are ok with having to wait a little bit longer to get the medicines they need. This is why I am here.

So in all of the rambling, there is but one conclusion. As this, my 3rd year in pharmacy school, comes to a close, I have finally discovered my purpose for being in this profession. It is right on track with that wonderful cliche, "I want to help people". A few years ago, while at Youth Camp in Houston, someone spoke words to me that I thought I understood at the time to mean one thing, but it has come to my realization that I was totally wrong. To paraphrase, "You have a great love of people. God is going to show you how to love in a totally new, radical way". This is my new, radical way of loving... If this is where He's brought me, I must see it through and walk with Him through to it's completion. Oh yes, I have a choice, but this is what I choose. Otherwise, what was the point?

A Year Later...

So it's been a year since I was in Ecuador (and since I blogged anything). What can I say? I'm a busy girl... Anyway, life is crazy and hectic as always. Part of me longs to be back in Ecuador, where things were more relaxed and life was not so fast-paced. As much as I wanted to be back home, when I left there a part of my heart was left behind. The people I met, the beauty around me, all kept a small piece of me with them. Sometimes I catch a scent in a breeze that sends me back. Granted, the scent isn't as pure as it would be in Ecuador, but it's close enough to invoke memories. I think I can almost imagine the clear blue skies in my mind... and then I look at pictures and realize that even my memory can't capture the true essence of that place. And I know that the pictures don't even do it justice. Oh how I wish I could go back there today... but I must wait at least a year for that (assuming I can go in a year).

More than just the random memories that I have, it's as though my soul longs to be surrounded by that beauty again. And I don't mean just the plants, trees, sky, etc. Every person I came into contact with was so beautiful, from the inside out. Never have I met more welcoming, inviting people. It's as though the heart of God was truly shining through every person I met. And that's almost an oddity in today's world. So many people are focused only on themselves (me included) and how they feel that they forget to love. We seem to have a monopoly on loving ourselves... but it stops there. And then I begin to question if our love of self is really true love... meaning, how can you love yourself fully if you don't love God and allow God to love you? And if you can't love God and can't allow Him to love you, how can you love anyone around you? Wouldn't you be flowing over with love, grace, and mercy because God pours all these upon us when we let him? Perhaps it's just that the people in Ecuador weren't as concerned with money and status and wealth that they could see the simplicity in relying on God to provide all that is needed. And in so doing, they have opened themselves up to a more true existence than either you or I could have.

Ok, so I got off on a random tangent there... I tend to do that at times. I guess, on a deeper level, these thoughts have been running through my mind lately. I've been reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and it opens up a lot of thought processes that I've overlooked so many times. I've come to the realization that I'm one of the types of people who don't know how to fully trust and rely on God's provisions. I have to know that I'm secure in whatever aspect... I guess, I am a control freak. This is no surprise to anyone who knows me; and I've known it for quite some time. But I never knew the full extent until I really took a look at my recent actions. Instead of trusting in God to provide financially, I go over my budget a million times, trying to figure out if I can fanagle things. Instead of trusting in God's promises, I worry and fret over things not yet to be. Is this just an instance of the "I'm human" defect? Or is it a deeper problem with a tough solution? I guess the only thing I can do is change my way of thinking and begin trusting that God is the God he says he is, that He'll provide my every need (maybe not all of my wishes, but definitely my needs), and that what He's said will come to pass (after all, God is not a man that He should lie...).

Zamora, Catamayo, El Cisne

So, last week I went to the Amazonian region, known as Zamora Chinchipe. The drive was so beautiful! As we continued to travel, the plant life changed to more tropical ferns and that sort of thing. Then we start passing small waterfalls. Unfortunately, they came up suddenly and we were driving so I was unable to take pictures of them. But when we came across the waterfall that's in this picture, known as Velo de Novia (Bride's veil), there was a place to stop on the side of the road. So we all got out of the truck and took pictures. This is actually only half of the waterfall, I couldn't get it all in one picture. But it was absolutely magnificent! After taking the picture, we contined driving for a while. When we made it to Zamora Chinchipe, we ate and all of that lol... The weather there was very nice. It was warmer and a little bit more humid, but not bad at all. Then it started to rain, and didn't stop until we made it back to Loja at around 6 pm or so.

This was a picture I took while we were driving through Zamora looking for a particular plant. This old house looked abandoned, but it has a certain charm to it that I couldn't resist. You can also see the banana or plantano trees and ferns. Absolutely gorgeous! Unfortunately, one of the plants we were looking for we were unable to get to because there was a huge mudslide about 2 km away from the site, and we were unable to pass. I have pictures of that, but forgot to put them on here. Sorry about that. You can see them on facebook if you have one, or you can wait until I get back to look at them :)

Saturday I went to Catamayo with Paola and her sister, Yadira. We went to a big park there, and I took this next picture at the lake that is part of the park.

Catamayo was very nice. The temperature was probably in the upper 70's or lower 80's, but it was a dry heat, so it wasn't too bad. Yes, I got a little hot, but it was nothing like AR! We also went to a water park where we ate lunch. The picture below was of a dish that is called "Cesina". Catamayo is famous for its cesina. I must say, it was very delicious! It's pork, but didn't taste like any pork I've ever eaten, so that was definitely a plus. And if you'll notice the size of the portion, this was what they call "media", or half. I would hate to see what a full portion looks like. Needless to say, I wasn't able to finish all of it, but I sure tried!

After lunch, we headed to a place called El Cisne. This village is known for its Basilica that houses the Virgen (a small statue of the Virgen Mary). Every year in August, people from all over South America come and the Virgen is carried from El Cisne to Catamayo, then from Catamayo to Loja, a trip that is about 2-3 hours by car. The kicker is that these people WALK the entire trip. Through the mountains! Crazy! But I guess, not being a Catholic, there are some things that I will never completely understand. Anywho, while we were there, clouds started rolling in (I think we were 2800 m up?). It was absolutely gorgeous watching them come in. The picture below shows the clouds in the village. It was so cool!

I think one of the things that I will miss when I leave here is the different things that I've never seen. If that makes any sense at all.... For instance, the clouds rolling in, much like fog would at home. But knowing that it's just the clouds because we're so far up in the atmosphere. Or all of the waterfalls and plantlife. Arkansas is beautiful, there's no doubting that. But this is a different kind of beautiful altogether. Breath-taking and magnificent. A place that could only have been created by a Divine Creator who knew exactly what would take my breath away at this very moment. A God who is a wonderful Artist. I thank God for my time here. It's coming to a close very soon. I start my journey home in 10 days. I am happy and excited to be coming back home. But also very sad to leave such a paradise. Bittersweet is the only word I can use to describe the emotion.

2nd trip out to the field

So my second trip out into the countryside took me to a place called Chuquiribamba. The mountains were absolutely gorgeous! The weather was perfect: slight breeze, a few clouds, no rain!!!! And the temperature was a lovely 60-something. Anyway, there were a few little villages along the way that we passed through. Let me tell you, the houses were so tiny! I honestly don't think I could have been able to walk through the door of any of them without crouching down, let alone stand up inside the houses. I think by US standards, this would be considered extreme poverty, but the people here live off the land, so they don't need much. I guess that's one of the perks to a less money-driven society. Anyway, we collected a few aromatic plants. The lab I'm working in also uses these aromatic plants to make essential oils that they sell locally. Some of them smell so delicious! They have limon, naranja dulce (sweet orange), and cypress, to name a few. It usually smells just wonderful when they're extracting the oils out of the plants.

Anyway, we were out all day, so that was cool. When we got back, I learned how to make the plant vouchers - where they dry the plants for cataloguing and identification. That takes forever and it's very tedious. I didn't want to mess it up, so I let Vladimir (the guy showing me) fix them all. I would hate to leave with the stigma of "person who messed up the plant vouchers". But then again, I'm a perfectionist, so maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. Perhaps next time lol.

3:30 am

3:30 am... this is what time God keeps waking me up in the morning. I don't know why. And I'll confess, most nights I get frustrated and try to go back to sleep, which is futile. So I end up sleeping like poop and tossing and turning most of the rest of the time until my alarm goes off at 6:30. I also keep having weird dreams, like the one I posted. Last night before bed I was reading in Daniel about King Neb's dreams and Daniel's interpreting them. I wish I had an interpreter to call on when I have my random dreams. But instead, I rely on God to ultimately show me the meanings. Anyway, I was awakened again at 3:30 this morning. But there was definitely no trying to go back to sleep. Ok, so I tried until about 4 or so. Then I gave up and decided that I had to do something. Obviously God was trying to get my attention. So I just started praying. I had no clue what to pray about, but words just started coming. After some length of time, I have no clue how long, I finally felt sleep trying to woo me back. So at that point I just asked God that if it was alright to go back to sleep, would He give me such wonderful rest that could only be from Him, given the past week or so. Thank God for that! I slept so wonderfully and was so rested this morning when my alarm went off. I think that in those 2-ish hours I slept better than I had since I got to Ecuador. I'm no longer in a cranky mood (thank the Lord for that one, too!). And, in a weird way, I'm looking forward to tonight's 3:30 lol.... I know, I'm an odd one :)

My Dream... Your Feedback, Please???

Ok, so I had a strange dream last night. Read it, please, and tell me what your opinions are.

It was set in a huge, nice, beautiful house that was at least 3 stories tall, full of little hidden rooms and was absolutely gorgeous inside. Ok, so it starts out that i'm in this house. and it doesn't feel like my house at first, like i'm housesitting. and there are a ton of doors that lead to the outside, and i think all of them are locked, but people start coming in them and they won't leave, as hard as i try to make them to. and when i lock one door, another becomes unlocked and more people come in. well, i end up with a house full of children, and a few adults. i think maybe they were supposed to be on a field trip or something. and it gets dark and they can't leave for some reason, so i tell them that they can just stay the night in my house (it's that big). and my aunt marlene happens to be there too. lord only knows why. anyway, so the little boy who is about 7 or 9 is crying and i'm talking to him and i ask if he wants to sleep in my bed that night, since he didn't want to sleep alone and he nodded, with tears running down his face.
So then the dream switches to the next morning (3:30 am) and i wake up and am walking through the house checking on everyone. then it switches to later, after sunrise. and it's christmas eve morning, and everyone's starting to wake up and move around, so i'm walking through the house to see if anyone needs anything and looking into all of the rooms and it fills my heart with joy to see everyone waking up refreshed and cheerful. then i go back to the living area and look outside and there's a guy walking around the house that i've never seen before, and i go out to ask who he is and what he wants, and he said that he was just happy that he was finally able to walk through without any resistance from anyone. (strange, i know) and then i'm talking to him (don't remember what it was about) when i hear a piano playing "Amazing Grace" and a violin starts playing. well by this time, one of the guests (a man) had come out to talk with me and the stranger, and i asked who was playing the violin. the woman with the children was playing the piano on the 3rd floor of the house, which was partly open with a garden or something in it. and the male guest says that it was his brother (don't remember his name) and i started crying. it was that beautiful.
So then we went back inside, cuz it was cold outside, and i wanted to talk to the man and woman who were playing the instruments. and to check on everyone. when i got inside, the stranger had disappeared, and it had started to snow, that beautiful, soft lazy snow, and i remember saying to everyone there that it was a Christmas miracle. then i woke up.
It was very detailed. i remember how the rooms looked. how the bathroom looked. the layout of the house, for the most part. I even remember looking up to the top of the house and seeing the piano and the man with the violin and the little boy with his light brown shaggy hair and tears.

Sorry for the uncapitalized things... When I am writing down something from memory, I have to write and don't usually take time to check what i'm doing. Anyway, give me your thoughts and feedback, please? I would greatly appreciate it!